The Thin Line Between Encouragement & Enabling: When to Give a Kick in the Ass Rather than A Pat on the Back
9.10.07
NEWSFLASH -- “You’re supposed to have my back. That’s the problem with sistas – always down playing and discouraging a brotha.”
Ever heard this phrase or some version of it? I have more times than I can count. I’ll admit that on occasion the person saying this has been correct. We had a difference of opinion on something minor and rather than stick to the disagreement at hand, I took the opportunity to comment on a larger personality flaw I saw in the person. Hey, it’s not mature, but it happens. And yes, there were a few times when this was said to me because I refused to be supportive of a business venture or partnership a person was entering into. Yet disagreement and discouragement do not ALWAYS go hand in hand. More times than not this sentence has been thrown at me, along with a feminine variation from a couple of female friends I didn’t adequately support, because I had “fallen off” in terms of long term encouragement. What the hell am I talking about? I’m so glad you asked.
Proposed Situation 1
Let’s start with Michael. Mike is a cool cat. Like many he’s had his ups and downs. He’s had his run-ins with the law, but fortunately managed to cut out his dangerous child play before it went from his juvenile to adult record. To his credit, he’s worked pretty steadily since he was 14 and all of his employment has been legit since he was about 20. We all have common dreams and Mike’s is to graduate from college. Yes, he’s from the same neighborhood I’m from and most people we grew up with did not obtain a college education. Mike has always deemed himself destined to be an exception to this rule. And while he has never needed a college degree to support himself or anyone else, he wants one. Nothing wrong with that. As a friend, I have always been supportive of Mike’s collegiate ambitions. He decided to start at a local junior college and transfer. He knew enough about himself and his priorities at the young age of 19 to understand that this would be the best route for him. It would not be the fastest, but it would be the best and that’s what counted. I began to refer to him as “College Man” and he took to it. After he completed his first semester (with two As and a B), he insisted that I continue to call him that and I was more than happy to oblige.
Fast Forward to “Thin Line” Situation
Today Mike is cool on me. That first semester occurred roughly 11 years ago. Mike has not obtained his Bachelor’s Degree as of yet. I’m not even sure if he’s obtained his A.A. and I’m scared to ask because the last time we discussed his collegiate situation, we both blew up. He started in with his usual spiel. We all have at least one. Things we’ve said so many times for so long that our brains have actually memorized a routine succession of sentences that spew forth when the related topic comes up. Mike started in on achieving his dream and I just couldn’t take it. Rather than give him a fake reference to being a College Man, I asked him a direct question.
“So when you gone actually do this bruh?”
He was clearly caught off guard. His head jerked back slightly as he furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his neck slightly to the left.
“What you mean, when? I been doing it.”
“You’ve been taking classes here and there. But when are you going to just knock it out? Make it a top priority?” I knew these words would have an irreversible effect on our friendship, but that was the point. True friends know when to pat you on the back. More importantly, they know when to kick you in the ass. I’d been slippin' on this last part.
“In case you haven’t noticed, life has also been happening. Not all of us can just walk into a four-year college on a scholarship. Some of us have to take a different route.”
I paused here. If I was really going to be a good friend, I could not allow his indirect attack on what he considered my privileged position to become the topic of conversation. Scholarships are earned, but this was not the time to make that point. Besides, Mike was no dummy. He knew that already.
“Yeah, life does happen – to us all. I’m just saying that if this is a priority, you need to get on it. The statute of limitations is runnin’ a bit thin man.”
“Didn’t you read that story in the news about that woman who was in her 80s and just now receiving her high school diploma? People weren’t criticizing her.”
WHAT? Is he serious? Come on now. We could all use examples of people that took longer than us to achieve any kind of goal. But at some point, it’s about you and your drive. Comparisons and contrasts, especially to people you don’t know and whose circumstances you don’t share amount to interesting stories at best and unrelated excuses at worst. THIS was a worst case scenario.
“Um…is that your plan? To graduate at 80?”
“Ah, shit. You know what I’m saying. I have children to take care of. I have to earn money. I didn’t have two parents supporting me.”
In his defensive angst, Mike has forgotten that I didn’t either. My mother raised me, but his larger point of not having to take care of my own parents is understood. I want to wail on him, but I still have to be a friend.
“Mike, I went to college with people who had children that THEY took care of full time. And they finished before a decade had past. It wasn’t easy, but they did it. The bottom line is that it’s on you and as a friend, I see you playing with this goal instead of actually obtaining it. It’s important to you and I’m worried that it’s going to always be a dream for your ego rather than a reality for your life.”
And then I got a full force delivery of that standard mantra:
“You’re supposed to have my back. That’s the problem with sistas – always down playing and discouraging a brotha.”
Ah, the proverbial race card, always most effectively played when done so with a person who shares the race in question. This is also when it is most effectively discounted and ignored.
“I can only encourage steps toward your goal – not you standing in the same place or hopping around the same spot indefinitely. How can I call you College Man when you got the same amount of credits you had three years ago? That’s false encouragement Mike. A real friend doesn’t do that.”
“Yes they do.”
We’ve been to agreeing to disagree on that one for some time now.
Proposed Situation 2
Brianna is someone I met during a summer internship in high school. I’ve always viewed her as a together sister and so has nearly everyone she comes in contact with. That summer we worked in an entertainment agency and Brianna said that she hated working for others. She was going to start her own business as soon as she got out of college. It was just a matter of deciding which of her many talents she was going to use. I didn’t make up a nickname for her or anything (I wasn’t quite so clever back in high school) but I did encourage her. We kept in contact throughout college and she drew up several business plans as she worked her way through various majors before settling on political science. Every job she worked was to be referred to by me (and her other close friends) as her “temporary situation” because AS WE ALL KNEW, Brianna was going to into business for Brianna as soon as the opportunity presented itself. “I’m a doer and I don’t let opportunities pass me by.” That was her tagline at 15 and it sounded good then.
Fast Forward to “Thin Line” Situation
That’s still Brianna’s tagline and I’d agree that she is a “doer.” She gets her tasks completed on or ahead of schedule. She organizes several events for her employer and usually is the lead contact for any major project. She’s still a together sister. But a business owner, she is not. Unlike Mike, Brianna isn’t comfortable making excuses, so she doesn’t bother to do that. Yet how she deals with her own lack of progress is equally damaging. She just doesn’t speak on it, as if it won’t be an issue if she never brings it up. This way she can quietly stroke her own ego without anyone’s questions bringing her back to reality. Well, anyone’s questions but those of a friend.
“I got a promotion. They’re putting me in charge of more accounts, so I won’t have as much time to hang out.”
“Congrats,” I said, but followed it quickly with, “So what’s going on with your business?”
“I just told you.”
I pursed my lips and let out that sisterly teeth-sucking sound as a sign of disapproval. She knew good and damn well what I meant.
“What?! I’m super busy at work and I’m about to be even busier. This is a good title and since when did a smart sister turn down good money and benefits?”
Again, race card being played effectively. And again, race card being ignored.
Besides, I just knew she wasn’t trying to make me defensive about supporting her dream!
“Oh, I got you. So you’ve changed your mind then? Cool.” If this is the case, then I’ll never bring it up again. People can change their dreams and there’s no reason to criticize them for it. But there’s a profound difference between changing one’s mind and hiding from one’s true desires and ambitions.
“Well, I still want to have my own business and I will.”
She’s daring me to contradict her. I can’t since I’m not in the habit of predicting the future. However, I can get some clarification – more for her sake than my own.
“When Brianna?” Sometimes a simple question stripped of all politeness and friendly window dressing is the best.
“When I’m ready.”
“I’m just asking if this is a goal that’s for later on in life or do you still want to be employed by other people throughout your 30s and 40s?”
“We’re only 29.”
“That’s why I’m asking now.”
Silence. And then, with enough attitude to let me know she’s not fully feeling this line of questioning, “When the time is right.”
“Do you even know what kind of business you want to start?”
“Are you forgetting how many business plans I drew up when we were in college?”
“No, I remember. But that was years ago – you telling me those proposals are up and ready to go now?”
“Well of course they’d have to be worked on. You think I’m stupid?”
That’s a leading question and I know better than to respond to it with a yes or no.
“I just think that you’ve lost your passion.”
“What would you know about it?”
Uh-oh.
“Nothing, really. Cause you ain’t mentioned it in I don’t know how long. I just want to know if it’s still important to you. If it’s not, then fine. But if it is, and I think it is, then shouldn’t you really get going on it? Are you telling me that in all the time you’ve been climbing that ladder at this ad agency, you haven’t seen any opportunities to branch out on your own or have met some people that could help you do it?”
“I have.” This is stated as a confession rather than a pat answer. “It’s just-”
“Easier to stay where you are, where you’re comfortable. But are you confusing comfort with satisfaction.”
“Where’s that book you were supposed to write since before you met me? Any progress on that?”
This perfectly demonstrates the risk in reminding your friends that they’re slippin’ on their personal goals. At some point, they may be bold or pissed enough to bring up how you’re doing the same. But as with Mike, I can’t let this (accurate) personal attack throw me from the main point.
“None. Just like with your business.”
“I got you.” We’re now even, but that wasn’t the goal of the conversation. Rather than pushing, I wait. I know she’s going to face facts.
“I don’t know. It is harder to pick something and risk it all rather than continuing on the road I stumbled on right out of college. Of course I’ve had opportunities. But I didn’t take them. I had my reasons and my excuses. Right now, I just don’t know.”
I want to push further, but I remember what happened with Mike. As a friend I can’t direct her life but I can point out when she’s failing to do so herself.
An Indirect Lesson from Chris Rock
On a final note, whenever someone is taking a long time to reach his or her goal (including me) I’m reminded of what Chris Rock said about his career in some TV special I saw years ago. He said that it took 17 years for him to “make it” by his definition of the term. Seventeen years! Mike’s only on year 11 and Brianna is coming up on year 15. And I think, what if Chris Rock had given up year five or seven? What if he’d listened to people who told him to pursue something else in year 13 or 16? Was I actually pushing my friends to achieve at that moment or give up all together when success was inevitably on its way? If I was then I was doing them a disservice rather than being a good friend. Then I remember that Chris Rock was working all that time. He was doing stand-up, refining his act, trying again and hustling his way forward. Yet he did experience setbacks, probably more than he could accurately count. But my friends weren’t exactly in the same position. They were stalling. Setbacks come from taking action and getting negative results. Stalling is getting no results because there’s been no real action taken. And if you’re encouraging stalling rather than simply acknowledging a setback, then you’re an enabler. You become part of the delusion and thus part of the problem. And why be part of a friend’s problem if both you and he/she know what the real solution is: Action and moving forward.
It’s a thin line, but it’s there and once you cross over to enabling, your peeps will be much less likely to listen to you should you start to tell them the real deal.
By the way, I still think Mike could get that degree, but I don’t know if he will. I also believe Brianna would be a phenomenal entrepreneur, but I can’t manufacture the required bravery for her to take the key steps for success, especially since failure will be part of the larger journey. And then they can’t write my book for me. Only I can achieve that goal on my own behalf. Speaking of which, now is as good a time as any to be a real friend to myself and admit that I’ve been stalling. Time to get off of them and get on it my damn self.
