You find yourself wondering:  Who are these incompetent adults that have managed to sneak their way into employment with someone as on the ball as yourself?  Even if we like our co-workers, on any given day we feel as though we’re barely  staying afloat a sea of Neanderthals who look like fully evolved homo sapiens, but whose behavior and incompetence on the job are on par with knuckle draggers of a bygone era.

I was doing the traditional “these fools at my job” rant to a former acquaintance when he sighed and uttered a quiet epiphany,  “You know they haven’t gone anywhere.”

“Who’s they?”

“They.  Them.  The people we went to kindergarten and elementary school with.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“The same people who were eating their boogers and not washing their underwear grew up.  And now they’re in the office with you instead of in the classroom.”

He was right and it got me to thinking.  When I was in school there were a host of undesirables and oddballs who had an assortment of socially stigmatizing habits.  If I grew up, then so did they.  I’m still here and so what makes me think that these people would simply disappear?  When I thought about my present collection of co-workers, I realized that the classroom had simply morphed into the office place and all the usual suspects were still there with a few workplace adaptations in behavior.  Here’s a rough translation.

In School:        Booger Eater/Snot Licker

At Work:          Doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom and doesn’t throw away his trash unless he’s being watched.  Like all men, he adjusts himself throughout the day but he’s the one in the office who actually yanks on his balls during a speech in full view of everyone. 

In School:        Always Played Hide-and-Go-Get-It

At Work:          She still does it, but there’s no longer any hiding involved.  If she’s a brainy ho, she’s garnered some undeserved promotions.  If she’s slutty, but not too bright, she sticks to being the rebound girl for her male co-workers.  She’s happy with this role and is pleasant to all women in the office.  Fortunately, she knows her behavior is foul so you don’t have to worry about her chewing your ear off with her personal business.

In School:        Alpha Male/Bully

At Work:          Stats indicate that he’s smart enough to make great hires but is too much of an asshole to avoid high turnover.  If he’s dumb, he sleeps with female subordinates and has a thing for young clients because they aren’t old enough to figure out how sad it is for a man to always be in the company of a women 10 to 15 years his junior.  You respect his position, but not the individual. Like actual assholes these people don't change. Yet unlike the real thing, they do relocate, so you're bound to come across more than your fair share.

In School:        Alpha Female/Bully

At Work:          She either mothers the men who work for her or flirts with them.  She has no skill for dealing with women, but she doesn’t trust a male to really “get the job done.”  This is the one who doesn’t micromanage your desk, but always seems to give unwanted advice on life outside of the workplace.  But who asked the bitch? 

In School:        Class Fattie

At Work:          They either still hold the title or have worked like hell to lose the weight.  Being fat in their formative years either made them extremely funny and extroverted or the kind of co-worker whose suppressed rage makes you cringe whenever they appear to get steamed.  Either way, their food issues always come up and they ruin everyone’s lunch by talking about Weight Watcher points or manage to once again share their uninteresting story of how they shed the pounds for what they SWEAR is or will be the LAST time.

In School:        Cheated Off of Other People’s Papers

At Work:          He or she is extremely charming.  This is necessary because they’re the one boss or supervisor that gets promotions thanks to the work of their subordinates.  He’ll read your email if you leave it up on your computer. And she's not above changing initials on a report.  So watch out.

In School:        Peed in His Pants

At Work:          He’s not there.  The constant teasing turned him into a serial killer and he works from home, where he can literally keep an eye on every body.

In School:        Crybaby/Perpetual Whiner

At Work:          This is the office rebel rouser and you have to watch out for them.  They are excellent at figuring out what pisses everyone off but stop just short of the kind of action that may make them fall out of favor with those in charge.

In School:        Class Liar

At Work:          This person is likely in a position of power and always seems to be at the center of a mistake without claiming any responsibility for it.  To this day, they are only capable of admitting who is the proper person.  Oddly enough, it’s never them.

In School:        Funky Breath

At Work:          Shit ain’t changed and the grill has suffered the consequences of poor oral hygiene over the years.  Oddly enough, this person is always smiling and/or initiating conversation. 

In School:        Closeted Homosexual

At Work:          Yeah it’s 2007, but don’t be fooled.  The success of Brokeback Mountain and The L Word haven’t made it any easier for a gay man or lesbian to be fully accepted and trusted in most work settings.  Unless he plans on building a career in the non-profit sector, he’s probably still in the closet.  But even he has his limits and there’s no fake girlfriend brought to company functions.

In School:        Perpetual Drop-Out/ “Held Back” King/Queen

At Work:          They’re cool enough and you notice that when people talk about college, they get mad quiet.  Not that they’re ashamed or anything.  A clue is that you believe they had their children really young.  They didn’t.  It’s just that their high school graduation year and their age don’t really correspond.  If they did go to college and turned their lives around you will NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.

In School:        Class Clown

At Work:          He’s mad cool and you actually enjoy his witty comments.  But he wears on the nerves and by 3:00pm he’s on your shit list.  Doesn’t this fool have some work to do?

In School:        Class Gossip

At Work:          She’s still in on the mix but she’s only good for about 10 to 15 minutes of interesting conversation because no one tells her shit they don’t mind other people knowing.

In School:        What’s-His-Name/ What’s-Her-Face

At Work:          Still a non-descript personality.  He or she is married or in a long-term relationship and has a kid or two, but so do most people.  This is the person whose name you can’t remember and learned early on that making the effort wasn’t worth it.

In School:        Thief

At Work:          Thieves always steal. Watch ya shit.

In School:        All Star on the Court or Field

At Work:          Talks like he coaches in the NFL or NBA and passionately argues about the merits and skills of men who are living his dream and will never know his name.  Get ready to hear all about his child, who he will live through until grandchildren are on the way to extend the hope of his name one day being a jersey he didn’t have specially ordered.

In School:        Class President

At Work:          He or she is still politicking.  This is the person who can not be ignored and who makes it their business to know what’s going on.  They do seem to get things done and are always willing to help, but for a price.  Never let this guy do a favor for you because you’ll end up having to repay it again and again and again.

In School:        Class Hottie
At Work:          Still gets a lot of looks, but if they were truly the class hottie, babies probably came fast and early.  They may work very hard or use their looks to charm others into doing their work.  Either way, they make sure they keep a job because they got mouths to feed.  (Some of you are thinking – well I was the Class Hottie and I didn’t have a bunch of kids.  One question:  Were you really?)

In School:        Teacher’s Pet

At Work:          They either run a department with impressive proficiency or they latch onto whoever will tolerate their clingy personality.  They are likeable, but not enough for you to spend precious lunch hour moments in their presence.  This is the person who feels that one enjoyable conversation is the source of an outer office friendship you have no interest in nurturing.  Beware of befriending this person.  Pets like having owners.

In School:        Creative Oddballs/Geniuses/Geeks/High Scoring Test Takers

At Work:          With the advent of technology and the overly competitive global marketplace, chances are that a genuine, uniquely talented individual ain’t sharing an office or splitting a cubicle wall with you.  They’re out doing their own thing and while it’s never too late to change, if you are sharing an office or splitting a cubicle wall with someone, you’re a bit more typical than your internal dialogue allowed you to think.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

In School:        Ate Bugs/Gangbanged/Set Fires/Tortured Animals/Stabbed Teachers

At Work:          If they’re still alive, made it through school and have no major felony convictions that have prevented them from getting hired, they are actually cool.  They are quiet and keep to themselves and while they don’t readily join in conversation, they do their best and get their work done.  Chances are they have a few odd habits that you don’t quite understand.  They really, really don’t like the food on their plate to touch and it’s best not to move their lunchbag, even if it’s been in the fridge for a few weeks.  Just DON’T piss them off.  Please, for us all.