Sexy Male Calendars: Who Are They Really For?
12.24.07


NEWSFLASH -- The New Year means a lot of things – unrealistic resolutions, deferred bills being due and if you’re a parent, having to wait another week or so before getting the kids back in school.  But mostly, the beginning of the year means a fresh start and there’s nothing quite like opening a date book or calendar to the month of January.  It gives you the illusion that you are starting over and crap that was bothering you as recently as the prior week, is all in the past.  Calendars are important.  You pick one and for the rest of the year, you stick with it.  It’s crucial that you like or even love the theme of a calendar since you’ll look at different versions of the same thing for the next 365 days. Since calendars go on sale at the end of the year, some people wonder why others rush to pay full price in October or November.  It's because they’re smart and they’d rather spend an extra $5 or $10 for exactly what they want rather than being forced to choose between the Nuns Having Fun and Cats in Coats calendars that are always still in stock by December.

Though I generally like my choices, a friend of mine thinks my taste is too “bland.” 

“You need to spice it up girl!  You should get a man calendar.”

“Why?”

“Because you get to look at a gorgeous brother throughout the entire year – even if the dude you’re with is getting on your last nerves.”

Hmmm, I thought to myself.  Whatever man I’m usually dealing with does tend to work my nerves (and I theirs), but if men are really annoying me, why would I want to look at one every time I check the date?  I asked my homegirl this question.

“You’re over thinking it.  They’re fun and they always feature guys with the best bodies.”

So this year, when I began my calendar search, I branched away from the Zen and foreign country fare that usually catches my eye.   I walked over to that other side of the aisle and checked out the “man calendars.”  They were placed right under Sports Illustrated and the other calendars featuring rail thin women with implants and over sexed expressions.  I looked at a few.  The cover shots are always the best, so I flipped over to the back and looked at the other 11 males I’d be viewing throughout 2008.  I did this about four or five times before I finally gave up and chose a tasteful calendar of amazing tornado photographs.  I met back up with my friend after making the purchase and she looked in my bag.

“Tornadoes?  You’ve never even seen one!”

“Well, now I’ll see one every month.  I just love these photographs.”

“My God, you’re boring.  What happened to getting a calendar with brothers?”

“Those calendars aren’t for women.”

“WHAT?!”

“I said those calendars are not for women – at least not the type of woman I am.”

“And what type of woman is that?”

“A heterosexual black woman who is attracted to heterosexual men.”

She sucked her teeth and pursed her lips.  You know how sisters do.  “Well, that’s what I AM and I love those calendars.  They are for women.  Even the descriptions on the back address us specifically.”

I raised an eyebrow and sucked my own teeth.  “Sure they do.”

To make her point, she dragged me back over to the calendar stand in the bookstore and grabbed one featuring a good looking black man with his shirt open to reveal what was probably an eight-pack.

“Don’t you think this brother is fine?”

“Yeah, he’s good looking.”

“And look at his body!”

“Yeah, he’s definitely built.”

“So what’s wrong with the picture if he’s good looking and has a nice body?”

“Well, the bright pink dress shirt is a problem for one thing.”

“Oh, so brothers can’t look sexy in dress shirts?”

“They can, but the dress shirt is only buttoned at the navel and he’s standing in a pool of water.  It’s not like he’s in a suit.”

“So that makes him unattractive?”

“No, but the photographer should have picked a theme.  Are we at cocktail hour or a pool party?”

She let out a sigh and put it back.  She thumbed past a couple of calendars with buff white cowboys on the front and selected another calendar with a brother on the cover.  This guy was in a pool with the water reaching his trim waist.  Obviously, you were supposed to assume that he didn’t have on trunks.

“What’s wrong with this brother?  You think he’s too light or something?”

“No, caramel or butterscotch can be nice,” I responded. 

“Well, what’s wrong with this calendar?”

“Flip it over,” I said.

Eleven other photos featuring black men in varying shades were printed in a graph on the back with the words “Just for You Ladies!” running across the bottom.

“What’s your problem girl?  Each one of these men has a nice body.”

“Yeah, they do, but it’s ruined.”

“Ruined?”

“Yes, girl, ruined.”  I began pointing to various pictures.  “This brother is lying across a rock with his back arched and his fly open.  That’s mad feminine.  Homeboy here looks good, but having his tongue on a rose isn’t sexy – it’s a little nasty. When I say nasty, I don’t mean freaky.  I mean unhygienic. This dude here has beautiful skin and broad shoulders, which I like, but he’s standing up and sticking his butt out.  You can see his ass crack. And to top it all off, his hand is on his hip!”

“So?”

“Are you blind?  This is for DUDES who like DUDES!  Look at that guy right there.  He’d be attractive if he didn’t have that ‘Come hither’ smile on his face.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“I mean, maybe I’m just too one dimensional, but ‘Come hither’ is for women.”

“So what should his face say?”

“If he’s supposed to be sexy, he shouldn’t even be smiling.  You know how dudes look when they’re on a mission.  When they look at you and you can tell that they’re just turned on by the fact that you have breasts and hips and a soft voice – when they’re feelin’ you in that basic biological way that’s a man feelin’ a woman.  They look as if you better do what they say, not as if they want to eat a freakin’ rose.”

“But their bodies-“

“I’m not saying they don’t have nice bodies.  I’ve done outreach work at gay clubs and I can’t tell you how many men I’ve seen who had faces and bodies to die for, but they weren’t into women.  That’s how most of the dudes in these calendars look.  Sorry, it’s not a turn on, not for me.”

“Well, I think that’s limited thinking.  Those female calendars exploit women.”

“Yeah, but I don’t buy those calendars, so I’m not really trippin’.  And look at this crap.”  I pulled out a calendar that was buried at the end of the aisle.  It was particularly risqué and featured fully nude black men.  “To me, a brother lounging against the wall in a wife beater can be extremely sexy.  But a brother leaning against the wall with his dick hanging out – nuh uh!”

“Doesn’t that make you think of sex?”

“Makes me think more of prostitution.”

“So only women can be draped over things with their bodies exposed, huh?  That’s sexist.”

“Hey, I like to think I’m enlightened, but I’m as socialized as most people and I have my own ideas about what’s sexy and what’s masculine.  A brother with smaller muscles in a well cut suit whose chillin’ at the bar is more sexy than a man packing muscles and a huge one whose in skinny jeans.  Maybe I’m limited in thinking, but these calendars are supposed to make you think ‘Dang, I want one of those.’  These poses and props though are making me think, ‘Dang, I ain’t really this brother’s type.”

“Well, then what would be sexy?”

I picked up one calendar that had different brothers with their shirts open, but it didn’t have a lot of variety in terms of backdrops.

“This is boring.”

“Well, they all look like they like women to me.  That’s sexy enough.”

“So just men with eight-packs, with their shirts open?  That’s a sexy brother?”

“Oh, they could branch out.  They don’t all have to be super built.  It could be a good-looking brother leaving an office.  Gainfully employed is mad sexy in this economy.  Or how about a brother dressed in a jersey with the quote ‘I only wear this to basketball games.  Otherwise I dress like a grown man'?   That would so turn me on.”

“You’re stupid!”  She was laughing but I was on a roll.

“And then March could feature a fully dressed, average looking man with a confident smile.  The caption could read, ‘I got my heart broken by two different black women, but I got over it and don’t blame the rest of ya’ll.’”

“Hmmm.  Yeah, that would be sexy.  Maybe a brother with a sister?”

“Shit, I’d pay to see that in different parts of L.A. ”

We both were a bit saddened for a second.  But I started up again, “And for summer, the calendar could feature a brother with some nice arms on the basketball court.”

“What would his caption say?”

“I have other hobbies.”

“And I suppose one could be of a man with his kids.”

“Yeah, but they should be above the age of 10, cause that’s when kids get expensive and people start to fall off on their responsibilities.  Now I’m thinking of the May brother being a man with a book and like, a whole stack behind him, so that you knew he read regularly.”

“Yeah, he could be naked in a library!”

“Oh, there you go ruining it again.”

“You’re a mess.  But I still I like those other calendars.  You did admit that they had nice physiques.”

“Yes they did and a nice nude body can be appreciated, but it doesn’t necessarily scream sexy when it’s all posed and the guy’s standing under a waterfall by himself.” 

“So no nude brothers by themselves huh?  What about D’Angelo in the How Does it Feel video?”

I paused for a moment to recall the image.  “Oh, well that’s different.”

She started laughing and we eventually just agreed to disagree. 

--

Two days ago I did see one of the raunchier calendars my friend had pointed out on another friend’s coffee table.  He was wrapping Christmas presents for his boyfriend and I asked him if the calendar was an early gift.  “Oh, that thing.  No some girl at my office gave it to me.  I wouldn’t give that to my boyfriend.”

“Why not?”  I asked.

“Well, he has the same taste in men that I do.”

“So what’s wrong with the calendar?  The men all look good.”

“Yeah, they have nice abs, but I like my guys more butch.”