Painful Courtesy
8.13.07
NEWSFLASH -- Today most people believe that the modern day citizen, at least in the United States, is ruder than they were a few decades or even a few years ago. And for the most part, Onyx Cranium would tend to agree. People want more for doing less – witness tip jars next to cashiers. Am I to understand in exchange for giving me the correct change, it should now go to the person who yanked it out of the register? No dice! But it goes beyond that. Examples include disputes in traffic that now escalate to full chases. We never did follow up on what happened to the sister who sentenced to two years in jail for throwing her coffee cup through the rear window of someone who had cut her off. Her explanation? They did it TWICE. (For the record, we don’t think the punishment fit the crime.) People who are engaged in a deep conversation suddenly realize that the other participant is actually talking on their wireless Bluetooth and engaged in two conversations rather than one. Or you receive an “uh-huh, yeah, right” as someone feigns listening to what you are saying while they bang their thumbs away on their Sidekick or BlackBerry. These are just a few occurrences that exemplifying the statement I’ve heard repeatedly from different people from different walks of life. People are just real assholes nowadays.
But there are those shining exceptions to the rule – people who despite an ever more menacing world are unfailingly pleasant and helpful. They still smile and say thank you when others would least expect it. They extend themselves to assist strangers and generally think the best of other people. I’m not referring to super happy people – the ones with huge grins permanently plastered on their face whose optimism shoots way past idealism and borders on pleasant insanity. Those people are annoying, so I don’t put them in the “nice” category. No, I’m just speaking of nice people who do for others without thinking. They are indeed “sweet as pie.” But what if you’re a diabetic? There are times when someone’s courtesy is actually out of line and it can be dangerous. I’ve witnessed super nice people who cause injuries, destroy marriages and damage friendships with their overly amiable ways. You have to watch out for these people in the way that you watch out for those out to harm you. While they certainly mean no harm, they often cause it and because they do it out of courtesy, they are genuinely unaware of the damage.
What the hell am I talking about? I’ve always found examples to be helpful. Here are a few.
EXCESSIVE DOOR HOLDING
Ever been on your way into the office building from the parking lot? You’re in no rush to get to work and you’re taking your time getting from point A to point B. It’s a sunny morning and you’re enjoying the feeling of your feet hitting the pavement. Whether it’s going to be a good day or bad day, you’re starting off just fine. The door is several yards ahead but as is your habit, you absently look at it as you come closer. Then Nicey Nice appears, seemingly from out of nowhere. She waves to you – you nod back. You’re not entirely up for raising your arm at 7:58 am. “Hey!” she shouts. You nod again, a bit more affirmatively. That should be enough. Then you realize that she’s not moving. She’s holding the door for you. But you’re nowhere near the freakin’ building. You’re still crossing the parking lot. Well, you can’t be an asshole and take your time. You pick up your pace. Now you’re getting there, but you’re also huffin’ a bit. The sunny sky and singing birds are gone. Your power walking in a B line to Nicey Nice who is still comfortably leaning against the doors as others breeze past her. You see her mouth move and realize she’s talking. Damn! Now you strain to listen as you compete with the sound of your own heart banging in your ears. You nod your head and agree to whatever the hell it is she’s babbling about. By the time you finally reach her, she’s a bit tired of holding the door (who the hell asked her) and just as you reach it, she walks toward the elevators. SHIT! Now you’ve got more space to close. Better get on it. Your left foot begins to throb.
Lesson: It’s not courteous to hold the door if a person has to break their neck to get there within a reasonable amount of time.
THE ON-THE-SPOT ELEVATOR OPERATOR
You step into the elevator and have a brain freeze. What floor are you going to again? You’ve never been in this building before. It’s a job interview or you’re going to meet your friend at their place of employment for the first time. It’s a 24-story building. Damn! Well, no matter, you’ll just ride the elevator to the floor you think they said and if it’s not the right one, you’ll go back down and check the directory. Your potential employer or friend said something about a sandwich stand being on that floor. The doors close and you’re in the elevator with three other people. Unfortunately for you, one of them is good old Nicey Nice. “Which floor?” he asks. They all look at you. “Oh, don’t worry about it.” “Well, where are ya going?” None of your damn business, you want to say. Geez, you think, can I just get a second to figure it out?! You look at a button already lighted. “Ummm, seven.” You smile curtly and face forward, assuming that’s the end of it. “Oh, I’m on seven, are you going to Harold and Jacobson’s offices?” After a second, “Um, no.” They get a step closer. The elevator stops and you watch in envy as two people get to make their exit. Lucky bastards. “So,” Nicey Nice asks in a genuinely friendly and helpful voice, “where are you trying to go?” “Actually, I made a mistake – I meant to say I’m going to the 20th floor.” You punch the button and the elevator reaches the 7th floor. Thank goodness. But Nicey Nice punches the Close Doors button. He’s not through being helpful. “Oh, so you’re going to Sweets and Things.” You look him in his smiling face. It won’t end. You know that he’s going to get off with you and walk you to Sweets and Things. He’s intuitive (but not enough to recognize discomfort) and he senses that you’re lost –so he must help. Five minutes later you are on another elevator. This time you’re by yourself and you know that you are going to Floor 18. You’ve also got a small Coke. Sweets and Things had them on sale.
Lesson: An elevator can be a transport to a desired floor or a box of perdition with Nicey Nice.
THE PERPETUAL SPEAKER
Sometimes you’re forced to be a Nicey Nice. The important thing is to realize it. I once worked at a major chain bookstore and during a staff meeting was informed that we had to ask a customer “May I help you?” if they were within 10 feet of us. This was true for the entire time that we were on the floor and included when we were cleaning an area or setting up a display. Now, think about 10 feet and the size of bookstore aisles – you know their general layout (my God I hope you read beyond the web). So you should be able to see how IMPOSSIBLE it is not to be within 10 feet of someone unless you stand in a corner and face the wall. Initially, I tried being Nicey Nice and towing the company line. Customers hated it. It annoyed the shit out of them. They didn’t say it, maybe because I was black in a white neighborhood or because I always looked angry or both, but they really wanted to tell me to leave them the hell alone. I mean – it’s a bookstore. People were trying to read –either a book they already had in their hands or they wanted to do it up old school and find their own damn book. After two days of this, I stopped doing it and only followed policy when the manager was around, if then. I didn’t last long at the bookstore, but I lasted even less time as a Nicey Nice.
Lesson: Disturbing people who didn’t ask for it is never nice. Sometimes allowing people to ask for help prevents forcing it on them.
UNWANTED JOKE
Finally, I have to share this one. I’m at the ATM machine doing a transaction and I’m in the worst mood. I want to strangle my boss, my feet hurt and I have a mountain of work facing me. I’m upset and need to let it show on my face so it doesn’t make me implode. “Hey!” A Nicey Nice sitting and enjoying what looks like lemonade is talking to me, but why? “Yes?” I respond as I get my money and take my card. “Ya dropped it!” Shit. I didn’t think I printed the button for a receipt. I look at the ground then go around in a quick circle, thinking of thieves and having my personal information literally on the street. I look back up at him. “Dropped what?” He responds, “You’re smile.” Right fist to the throat. That’s what I envision. But I don’t want to be rude, or arrested. So I just walk away.
Lesson: Should be obvious.
