The Relationship Bell Curve: This is the REAL One
8.6.07
NEWSFLASH -- Let’s get the standard disclaimer out of the way:
Thousands, if not millions, of relationships between men and women end up working well. There are several examples of successful relationships that blossom into serious long-term commitment benefiting both parties.
But for the rest of us…
I can count how many times I’ve heard the following phrase from women when talking about their soon-to-be failed relationships.
“I don’t know what happened.”
I’m going to exclude the instances where this isn’t true. We all have the kind of female friends who do the “gloss over.” Turns out she KNEW he was having an affair or that he really didn’t want kids whereas she did. In such cases, “I don’t know what happened” effectively translates into “Damn, I guess we couldn’t get past that one.” Yet there are plenty of instances when that standard statement is the absolute truth. Before I continue, please understand that this phenomenon, what I call the Relationship Bell Curve, happens across all races, ethnicities and ages. It’s an occurrence I’ve witnessed firsthand from successful black business women in their 30s to white female college students barely in their 20s to a couple of Latinas who were surprised to find themselves considering divorce in their late 50s.
The Relationship Bell Curve is evidenced by the statement, “I don’t know what happened.” At Onyx Cranium’s request, I’m providing a couple of examples to demonstrate how it works. As we proceed, please keep in mind the image of a bell curve, the inverted parabola that curves over as it acends until reaching its peak and then traveling a parallel route downward, only to wind up at the same point on a different side of the X-Axis, or in more practical terms, the end of the relationship. The horizontal line or X-Axis is time, which goes to the right on the graph and moves forward. If you look at both ends of the bell curve, you’ll notice that you wind up in the same place, only time has pushed you ahead a few weeks, months, or years – however long the relationship lasted.
SITUATION 1: COOKING AS A PLUS
Woman meets man and they begin a relationship. They’re liking one another and as they begin to spend more time together, he notices that she’s a phenomenal cook. He tells her so. She’s flattered and she also notices that he enjoys eating. As she does her best to provide home cooked meals for the two of them, he compliments her on being modern, yet old fashioned. He complains about women who can’t figure out the true purpose of a stove and he enjoys coming to her house or apartment where she’s prepared a lavish feast complimented by impressive place settings.
FAST FORWARD SEVEN MONTHS, FIVE DAYS
The relationship is still going strong. She’s noticed a slight change in his demeanor, but she chops it up to work. They’ve had a couple of arguments. It’s nothing monumental in her eyes. He could be the one. They now have a “routine” and she’s prepping for dinner. He comes by. Dinner is cooked. He wants to know if they can go out. She’s pissed. Why didn’t he tell her? Suddenly, the argument takes a turn in a different direction than she anticipated. They are no longer discussing his lack of consideration for their plans. She listens, stunned, as he now complains about her always cooking. Who is she, he asks, Rachael Ray? Why does she feel the need to be so conformist? Can’t they go out sometime and enjoy a restaurant meal? What - doesn’t she think he can afford it? She jumps in now (not realizing that the relationship has just passed it’s peak – it’s now descending from the top of the Relationship Bell Curve). Where the hell is all this coming from? She thought he loved that she knew her way around the kitchen. He’s never had a problem with it before! Is he seeing someone else? She asks this because she can’t bring herself to believe that all of a sudden he is annoyed or enraged by something that he’s claimed brought him pleasure and enjoyment since they’ve known each other. There has to be another explanation, she insists, as she badgers him about whether or not he really is screwing that high-minded hefer who supervises his unit at work. Now he’s insulted. He just told her what was wrong. He’s sick of having her homemade gruel shoveled down his throat. He only wanted to go out. Now he’s a cheater? Maybe this isn’t going to work.
And they descend on down the slope of the curve as she begins to understand that he’s not cheating on her, but he is indeed done. And she hasn’t done anything differently – not yet. She stops cooking and they start going out. But it’s too late. Something’s off. They attempt to go back to their routine. The actions are the same, but the feeling is different. It’s over.
SCENARIO 2: SEXY DRESSING AS A PLUS
When he sees her in that dress, he decides that he has to talk to her. Turns out, she’s glad that he did. They have sooooo much in common. Oh how funny, she realizes, they actually knew some of the same people in high school AND college. How coincidental is that? She doesn’t wear the most revealing clothing, but her wardrobe utilizes her shape to the fullest. Since she can remember, she has been accustomed to getting stares, whistles and compliments as she made her way down the street or through a crowded room. After a few dates, he compliments her on her style and she thanks him. After a little while, let’s say three months, things are getting serious. Despite what her bitter friends tell her, she pulls her honey to the side. Would he rather she dressed just a tad more conservatively? Does it make him uncomfortable in any way that she gets so much sexual attention? He looks her directly in the eyes – he’s good at that – and she can tell that when he says “I like you just how you are” that he means it. And he actually does! He’s a breath of fresh air. The whistles and stares are still coming her way, but she doesn’t hear or see them. He’s on her mind 24/7.
FAST FORWARD TWO YEARS, THREE MONTHS, 18 DAYS
Everything’s fine, basically. No relationship is perfect, but she’s surprised that they’ve made it through so much. There was the death of her mother, his layoff before he rebounded in business and then the pregnancy scare. She’s not 100% sure, but it’s highly likely that they’ll get married. He brought it up first. That was a year ago and they’ve talked about it occasionally since. Perhaps, she thinks, perhaps. She meets him at the party since they both had to work late and the distaste on his face registers immediately. What, she wants to know, what is it? She has a headache and isn’t in the mood for one of his workplace horror stories. Shit, we all have them. But he goes somewhere else entirely. Don’t you think it’s time you put that dress out of the rotation? It takes her a moment to understand what he’s saying. She begins to search the front and then the sides for a stain. What’s wrong with it, she wants to know. God, if he would just tell her instead of making her guess! You’re too old, too respectable to still dress like that, he tells her. He says it quietly, so she knows he’s serious. What the fuck? Excuse me, she thinks, where the hell is this coming from? Did something go wrong at work, she asks. She’s going to ignore his first statements, as she figures he’s projecting. No, he answers curtly. I know how to separate one thing from another. My issues is that damn dress, all of them in fact. I just wish you didn’t have to show so much. It doesn’t get you ahead any faster. She’d slap him if the parking lot were empty. He’s NEVER expressed this to her. But he seems serious. Whatever, she responds. They go inside. She’ll figure out what’s really wrong with him later. Now is not the time.
But as time passes, they make their descent down the other side of the bell curve. She’s too mad at him by the time the night ends to go back to his place and he doesn’t offer to come to hers. The issue does not die. Apparently, everything is fine at his job and despite all they’ve been through, he can’t get past her provocative clothing and the way she flaunts her body in public. She tries to find out when and why this all started. He just says he’s sick of it. Enough is enough. Is she going to change or not? She’s furious, but depending on her age, her other prospects for marriage and whether or not she wants to have children, she may or may not make an attempt to increase the number of sweaters in her closet and decrease the amount of low cut blouses. Either way, it’s too late. He was done that night, at the party, in that parking lot. Crazy thing is, he didn’t even know he was fed up until he saw her. But he did know once he laid eyes on that damn dress. Her attempts to deal with this attitudinal shift are not entirely futile. They do bring her some initial mental relief and make her feel as if she has more control than she does. But ultimately, the attempts are just that and they translate into failure. Relationship Status: Finito.
These scenarios differ slightly in specifics, but the general structure of “I don’t know what happened” is the same. You can mix and match the Relationship Bell Curve for yourself. Try these scenarios and see if they “ring a bell” (Sorry we couldn’t resist):
Man just LOVES that a woman always like to go out.
Fast Forward Three Months.
Man truly admires that a woman has a better paying job and is comfortable with picking up the tab.
Fast Forward Eight Months, Seven Days.
Man can’t get enough of a woman who has extreme sexual expertise.
Fast Forward Him Considering Actually Marrying This Chick.
And it goes on. And on. And on.
While a new or even old relationship always has the potential to turn out well, the Relationship Bell Curve is always lurking in the background. I’ve found it’s effective because it has much less to do with what the woman is or isn’t doing than whether or not the man is interested in continuing a monogamous relationship. Sometimes people really do just get tired of you. It’s frustrating. It doesn’t always make sense. And more often than not, it happens at the most odd and inconvenient time. But it does happen. Usually a woman recovers. Oftentimes, she’s made stronger for the experience. And on more occasions than not, she gets better at anticipating when it may happen again. Either way, time only moves in one direction – forward. And regardless of what a man says, does or thinks, a woman must live in a way that will make moving along life’s horizontal axis enjoyable and rewarding for her.
