The The Secret to True Weight Loss Success
Archived July '07
NEWSFLASH -- Despite the continued headlines of obesity among the Western world and the U.S. in particular, millions of Americans are truly attempting to change their lives through weight loss. A little known secret is that weight loss and weight loss success are not necessarily the same thing. One can lose weight, improve your physical and mental health through exercise and even develop lifelong healthy eating habits. But if no one freakin’ notices how far you’ve come, these rewards are not as enjoyable. Yes, it’s shallow – but it’s true. You do need the icing of positive feedback on your lifestyle change cake.
So let us help you out.
The success of your weight loss has nothing to do with health, happiness, or an "improved quality of life" (whatever the hell that means). It's all about the BEFORE v. AFTER picture comparison.
The AFTER picture is simple. If you are a woman make sure you cut and color your hair, apply understated foundation with overstated lipstick, wear a sleeveless red or black dress, and grin. If you are a man, do all of the above, but wear jeans and a fitted polo shirt (tucked in). Lipstick is optional, but the foundation is not.
The BEFORE picture is much more important and varies significantly according to how much you've lost to reach your goal weight.
Over 300 pounds…
Doesn't matter how you look, but you should be in a hospital gown. You'll never garner sympathy otherwise.
Over 200 pounds…
You must be seated at a table full of food or on a couch with a tray of food to your immediate right. Shorts are preferable but pants that are clearly too tight work as well. Women are encouraged to wear mumus with a large floral print. No one else should be in the picture. You're going for lonely and depressed. A seemingly supportive spouse, child or homecare worker will detract from the overall effect.
Over 100 pounds…
Other people should be around but you're with the food. Family bar-b-ques or company picnics are ideal. I suggest smiling directly into the camera, symbolizing bravery but not defiance. You're going for socially admitted but not fully accepted.
Over 50 pounds…
Once you have less than a "person" to lose, BEFORE pictures must be taken standing up and preferably in dressy attire. A seemingly happy individual should take the picture with you. You smile into the camera together. His/her smile must be larger because they are smaller than you and are taking joy in it. This provides the empathy factor. You're going for struggling, yet aware of the problem.
Over 20 pounds…
I suggest an action shot for this one. Since you cannot claim a medical problem, you must make it clear that you were not lazy but simply distracted. You want people to believe that you were just too busy to conquer the problem. This means that your AFTER shot reflects a serious recommitment to life and that you are the intelligent decision maker everyone in the family always said you were.
Around 15 pounds…
It really doesn't matter what you're doing or what you're wearing. Pick a picture from when you were "thin" where your waistline is clearly in view. It helps to have had your hands on your hips, which you probably don't even have if you're obsessing over 15 damn pounds. Thought you were so freakin' cute, didn't you?
5-10 pounds…
Get over yourself you anorexic control freak! I mean do you live the rest of your life by ridiculous federal guidelines? I'm sure you cheat on your taxes, occasionally litter when no one's looking or break the speed limit. Stop reading stupid magazines and watching so much TV for God's sake!
1-4 pounds…
Go to hell.
