The Real Deal on Resolutions
1.14.08
NEWSFLASH -- Let’s cut straight to the chase. The first two weeks of 2008 have whizzed by and you’re already behind on a couple of things you’ve promised yourself you’d get RIGHT ON when the ball dropped on January 1st. You’re not alone and that’s why we’ve taken the time to give you a little practical advice for actually accomplishing some realistic goals in the big ’08. Now here it is – straight no chaser and Onyxed just for you.
First Off – Get Ya Mind Right
Accomplishment lies in admitting that you have resolutions. People hate to call them that these days because it’s a known fact that only 75% of people maintain their resolutions past the first week of commitment and by the time June rolls around, less than 50% are still on point. Think about this for a second. What you’re probably thinking is that more than half of people don’t fulfill their New Year’s commitments for a whole year. Onyx Cranium then asks, what the hell does that have to do with you? You aren’t most people, so don’t act like them. Statistics are information – not instruction - so whether or not you achieve your goals is up to you. Add the fact that those stats aren’t as bad as they’re made out to be. Depending on the resolution, accomplishing something for six months rather than zero months will likely yield progress, so it’s worth the effort. Many people fall into the sad delusion that if they don’t make resolutions then they can’t fail to achieve them. That’s crackhead thinking and we’ll tell you why: If you don’t plan to work out how have you failed yourself any less than if you actually do plan and exercise consistently for three months? Do you get what we’re saying? Resolutions are really decisions – things that you have resolved to do. So if you have entered 2008 without making key decisions on what you will do with the short time you have on this planet, you’re trippin’.
We can envision a few of you who consider yourselves mavericks. You’ve convinced yourself that you aren’t like everyone else (by the way – everyone else thinks this to a greater or lesser extent) and that you “march to the beat of a different drum.” Yeah – whatever. While individuality has its place, it also has its limits if you’re participating in this little experiment called American society. Some will fool themselves into believing that they don’t follow the same “calendar” as everyone else and so the beginning of the year holds no special significance for setting goals. And here, we say, with all due respect: bullshit. Unless you pay your bills on different dates than when they’re due or follow a lunar rather than solar year, you’re measuring by the same yardstick as others and that means that when 2009 comes in you’ll want to have made some progress since 2008. Don’t worry, you can have different or deeper resolutions, but they’re resolutions all the same.
So are we in agreement that you do have New Years Resolutions? Good. Now here’s some insight into actually achieving your resolutions. We won’t launch into a lengthily list of what “steps” will help you achieve certain goals. There are thousands of books written on how to make progress on the mental, emotional, educational, financial, spiritual and physical fronts. Onyx Cranium has three questions that you must ask yourself in establishing each of your resolutions. Only after you’ve answered these three questions with complete honesty, can you set about the process of success. Can you meet your resolutions without answering each of these questions? Definitely. Probably. Maybe. Shit, we don’t know. Yet experience tells us that a little background work is ALWAYS helpful in attaining larger goals – even if no one knows you’ve done it.
1) ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU MADE THE RESOLUTION & FIGURE OUT THE REAL ANSWER
Don’t get confused here – this is not as benign as it sounds. You may be thinking that this is oversimplified advice. For example, if your resolution is to lose weight (like most of
America
) or if it’s to put on muscle (which should be the case for a few fellas we know), you may think that the answer is obvious. You have resolved to lose weight because you are too fat, you don’t look good in your clothes or you have health problems. If you want to put on muscle mass, it could be for any range of reasons from increased stamina to vanity. Whatever the answer, this is only the surface reason.
When we say ask yourself “Why?”, we mean why do you have to make this particular resolution? What caused you to make the wrong set of decisions that led you in the opposite direction of what you wanted for yourself? So if we’re back to losing weight, you need to ask what drove you to become or remain overweight in the first place. Was it simply overeating and a lack of exercise? Okay. Dig deeper. Why did you overeat? Why did you not exercise? Was it really just a matter of time constraint? Did you not care enough about yourself? Was it fine as long as you were in a relationship? If that’s really the case, then you still don’t love yourself enough if you’ll slack off once someone tells you that you look “and feel” just fine to them. “But what does this have to do with anything”, you ask. You’ll still lose weight if you just set a goal and head to the gym. Right? That’s the assumption. But we do know that if you have no clue as to why you’re motivated to make a change, whether it’s being a better parent, eliminating debt or being more productive during your “off hours”, you won’t really make a permanent change. You will make temporary adjustments and you may even get to the point of making something a habit, but if you want a decision to transform into an enduring element of your lifestyle and a part of your mental make-up, then you’ll understand the root of it. “But resolution isn’t really that deep”, you say to yourself. Then why the hell is it on your list? Conscious effort and planning should be reserved for making you a better person. If your resolution is a simple task (i.e.: take out the trash more often), then either you’ve got all major areas of your life so together that there’s nothing left to change OR you are as shallow as a kiddie pool. Your call.
2) ASK WHO THIS RESOLUTION IS FOR AND WHO IT IS ABOUT. HINT: THE ANSWER NEEDS TO BE YOU
“Duh Onyx”, you say as you roll your eyes. “My resolutions are obviously about me; that’s why they’re my resolutions”. And we counter with the statement that people can fool themselves better than anyone else. This is why Question 1 is so essential, but it isn’t enough. People often confuse changing a situation or another person with changing themselves. This is the SUREST way to set yourself up for failure. What do we mean? We’ll give you some examples:
RESOLUTION: TO GET A BETTER JOB
A) If it’s about you: You’ll have a good idea of what you want to do instead, because the job isn’t right for you. You’ll know exactly how you want to spend your time because something larger will speak to you.
B) If it’s about someone else: You won’t think of what you will be doing differently with your 8 hours, but rather what people will say when they hear your new title or how impressed people will be when you let your new salary drop. You’ll be thinking of how your co-workers (rather than you) will react to the news of your departure and how they’ll “get along” without you.
*If it’s “B” rather than “A”, you can get a different job, but it won’t be better. It’ll be more fun to talk about (initially), but if it’s not truly suited to what your inner passion and talent is, then you’ll be looking for something different soon enough. Motivation “B” leads to a temporary adjustment. Motivation “A” inspires genuine change.
RESOLUTION: GET A BETTER EDUCATION
A) If it’s about you: You’ll know the where, when, what and why of your first or next degree/certification. You’ll know why you are getting the additional education and will know not only how it can benefit you socially and professionally, but intellectually as well. Since it is truly a part of your larger self-improvement plan, you’ll have goals for realistic financing of this attainment and if it’s truly about you and not other people, an additional class may do more than any degree ever could.
B) If it’s about someone else: You’ll think about how the framed degree will look, whether to put it in your office at work or at home and spend more time envisioning walking across the graduation stage than how you’ll use your new knowledge.
*Both Motivation “A” and “B” will get you started, but one assures that when you attain the degree/certification. If the goal is about you, you’ll already be focused on how much farther you’ll have to go beyond the classroom to utilize the knowledge you gained inside it.
QUESTION 3: ASK YOURSELF HOW MANY DAMN TIMES HAVE YOU MADE THIS RESOLUTION. IF IT’S MORE THAN TWICE YOU’RE IN POTENTIALLY IN TROUBLE
If you keep attempting to make the same change over and over again, it may be time to admit your current limitations as an individual. Be honest with yourself and decide if you are at the point of accepting a fact about yourself or determined to make it a fact about the person you used to be. As we get older, we come to learn certain things about ourselves and understanding your less attractive quirks is a part of growing the hell up. We’re not saying that you can’t change, but be honest with yourself. When it comes to certain behaviors, do you really want to? Perhaps it’s time for some self-realization of who you are at the core.
Let’s say you can indeed lose a significant amount of weight, lessen your credit card debt and be in a healthy relationship. Feel free to acknowledge less wiggle room on your propensity to cut people off in traffic or stop favoring the child that shares more of your personality traits. Maybe you can finally finish that degree, buy instead of renting and take up a new sport. Yet you may always be the “taker” in a relationship or will inherently prioritize limited edition sneakers over new tires for your car – that’s okay. It’s not great, but it’s okay. Perhaps tithing 10%, giving more time to charity and keeping a better organized household will make up for the fact that you’re a bit of a bitch or asshole when someone strongly disagrees with you. If you don’t like to curse, you can call it being self-righteous. Remember that there is yin to our yang. Accept that people may have mixed opinions of you and get over it. Be prepared to hear:
“Hey that Angela’s a hell of a girl – she still talks too much, but she can cook a mean roast.”
Or
“I know that Melvin is a bit of a ho, but he’s a really dependable friend.”
Bottom Line: Know who the hell you are and more importantly, figure out who you will never be.
If you’ve begun each of the last five years with the same resolution, wake the hell up already! It ain’t happenin’ because you’re missing a step. If you want to change in ’08, you can set about figuring out what else would have to change before you can reach your more illusive goals. Many resolutions don’t pan out because someone is genuinely unaware that a certain habit or action is based on another. Need a simple example? If for the fourth year in a row, you’re resolution is to stop having more children, you may need to take a step back. Could the primary resolution be having less unprotected sex? Ah…perhaps. Have you repeatedly listed hanging out with smarter or more mature people as a resolution? Well, and we’re just tossin’ this out there, then maybe you should stop hanging out at the same venues you’ve been frequenting for years. A “new club” is just a different set of lights and oddly shaped chairs, but the club concept of drinking, dancing and meeting strangers is the same. For the intellectuals reading this, if you wonder why you never meet your “intellectual equal”, perhaps taking a trip outside of the bookstore and entering a discussion is the real resolution that needs to top your list.
Finally, in examining a more “traditional” resolution, if you want to stop smoking but can’t quit, look beyond the addictive effects of nicotine and figure out the need(s) that smoking currently fulfills. What the hell are they? You’re honest answer could be “It fulfills no need. It’s just a habit”. Ummm…okay, then we urge you to think about that. Ah, and we’re back to Question 1. Why is it a habit? If you still have no answer, there’s major work to be done and it goes far beyond a cancer-causing cigarette.
In the end, resolutions are about knowing yourself – what you are capable of, what you are ready to do and who you are ready to become. If you are making a good change for yourself for good reasons then a resolution will ultimately make you a happier person. Some smart-ass will say, well what about serial killers? Killing more people would make them happier. Question: Are you a freakin’ serial killer? Yeah, didn’t think so. What we said still applies.
For the record, deciding to change is infinitely easier than changing and that, in truth, is why most people fail their resolutions rather than their resolutions failing them. No matter what you’re used to, you have to become uncomfortable with it in order to change course. The secret lies in realizing when you are actually experiencing discomfort. It’s when something gives you pause because it just doesn’t sit right. Chances are that if you’ve had to reconsider a habit, action or decision you made, your soul wasn’t cool with it. So why should you allow your lifestyle to be?
