Minor Miracle: Proper Use of Word “Hatin’” Occurs at Local Restaurant
9.10.07


NEWSFLASH -- Until last week I didn’t think it could happen.  I thought that the days of properly using the term “hate” had ended long ago.  I was having lunch with a friend.  He excused himself to take a phone call and I as I waited for him to return, I overheard a modern day miracle of miracles.

“Well, I plan on going to see him tomorrow.  He could really use some support.”

“No, what he could use is someone telling him to get his stuff together.  Your brother never seems to keep himself on track and truth be told neither does your sister.”

Clearly these two women were good friends.  Still, it was a harsh assessment and I could tell in the pregnant pause that followed that the woman with the afflicted family felt stung by the comment.  Her reply was heartfelt.

“I know. I know.  But they’re still my family.  Look, when you’re brother falls off, if he falls off, I wouldn’t expect you to just leave him out there like that – not as his sister.  Besides, Ray is off track now but he’ll get back on.  He’s just hitting a rough patch.”

“I understand.  I just hate when he takes advantage of your charity.  He knows you feel sorry for him so he uses it to his advantage.”

“Yes, he does.  It’s one if his flaws.  But we all have them.”

“True. One of his biggest flaws is running through all those crazy women.”

“Yeah, that leads to other problems.”

“He just does it because he can get away with it.  And that’s because all those slow witted sisters he deals with allow him to.”

“Yeah, Vanita – I know.  He’d be a higher caliber of man if he rolled with a higher caliber of woman.”

“I mean – no offense – but I don’t even know what they see in him.”

“You know what they see.  Ray has been fine since he popped his conceited little ass out the womb.”

Vanita sucked her teeth.  “He looks aight.  He ain’t that cute.”

“Oh now you just hatin’.”

They both laughed on that note. 

Hmmm, I thought to myself.  That’s the first time in ages I’d heard the term used properly.  Throughout the conversation the friend was being genuinely critical of homegirl’s brother.  Most people would have called this hatin’ out the gate.  But up until the end, Vanita wasn’t being a hater.  She was merely being openly critical and there’s a big damn difference.  I actually stopped using the term two years ago because it’s true meaning had been watered down to the point of absurdity.

Example

“Hey, what do you think of this outfit?”

“I don’t like it. It doesn’t really match.”

“Oh, you just hatin’.”

Am I?  Or was I honest and caring enough to warn my friend that red and pink were a disastrous combination in that particular dress suit?

Another Common Situation

“Man 300 was the tightest movie ever made!  The whole look of the picture and the story were just off the hook.”

“Humph.”

“What, you didn’t like it?”

“No.  But I agree it looked good on the screen – can’t argue with that.”

“Hold up.  You didn’t like the story?  It was tight.”

“Not for me, but I can see why you liked it.”

“Don’t give me that shit about it being a man’s movie.  I know PLENTY of females who liked the story.”

“Okay.”

“Man, you just hatin’.”

“No, I’m just disagreeing.  That is still allowed right?”

“No, you just hatin’.  You know that movie was tight.  You’re always a hater when it comes movies I like.”

Am I?  Is it possible that maybe I didn’t like 300 because I’ve seen exaggerated history like it before?  Perhaps I, as an individual rather than a mere hater, just was not in the mood to see another depiction of white men in stoic manly beauty take on minorities, in this case Persians, who were made to look like feminized monsters.  Could that have been it?  And is it also possible that our differing views of 300 simply cement the fact that we generally have opposing views on movies because our life perspectives are different?  Imagine that!  I mean, is that all right these days?

This is also a good example because the term “hater” was used as well.  Being a hater is worse than merely hatin’ because it implies that one is habitually offering false criticism.  And that’s the real difference between merely letting someone know that you don’t share their viewpoint and truly hatin’.  Back in the day, before the term was so mainstream, hatin’ meant that one’s criticism or expressed difference of opinion was really a lie.  When you truly thought highly of something or someone but could not bring yourself to admit it, you were being a hater.   Hatin’ was actually a compliment to the person or thing being hated on. 

That was then.  These days, hater is used freely whenever someone expresses a genuine difference of opinion.  It’s really no big deal in most cases, especially when the term is used in a casual setting or among friends.  Yet this is not always the situation.  In this new millennium, people are mad sensitive and are increasingly unwilling to be criticized.  It seems that negative feedback of any kind is a source for denial and anger rather than an opportunity to re-examine long held viewpoints or assumptions.  Again, this is not always the case, but the straight abuse and trivialization of the word hatin’ shows that it usually is.  The next time you venture to use the term, make sure you aren’t just upset because someone doesn’t share your opinion.  And I believe that’s actually a good thing (for myself included).  If everyone around you always or even usually agrees with what you say, you need to expand your circle of friends and your variety of activities.  It’s like being the smartest person in the room.  While that can feel powerful and life affirming, it also shouldn’t happen too often.  If you’re always the smartest person in the room, how will you ever learn anything? 

When my friend returned to the table, I quietly told him about the conversation.  He wasn’t interested.  It wasn’t something he felt like talking about and while I could have said he was hatin’ on me, he wasn’t.  So I let it go, but I still gave the woman at the other table silent applause for willingly accepting honest criticism for what it was.  I hope things got straightened out for her and her brother and I hope Ray got back on track, whatever that may mean for him.  Apparently he has one thing steadily working in his favor.  He’s fine.  Can’t hate on that!