Everyday Nightmare: The Saga of Escaping a Gym Contract
12.17.07
NEWSFLASH -- “You have 60 days to cancel your membership if for any reason you’re not satisfied with the gym – no questions asked.” That was the line I was given right before I signed my name on the three-page contract. In the interest of recognizing that my experience may be just that, I won’t provide the actual name of the organization that attempted to gank me. Let’s call it Mally’s Incomplete Fitness. That’s Mally Inc. for short. It wasn’t until I’d finished signing that the hustler/fitness expert told me my contract was for three years. That gave me pause. Three freakin’ years? Verizon ain’t even got me on lock like that! The last four relationships I’ve been in ended in a third of that time. What kind of commitment did these people want from me in exchange for letting me run on their treadmills and lift their outdated weights? The hustler sensed my panic and rephrased his earlier statement. “You have two months to change your mind or you can change your contract to a month-to-month.” Okay, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I’d already done my workout and all I needed to do was get my picture taken for my membership card. But I had to ask one more time, just be sure. And it’s a damn good thing I did.
“So I have 60 days to cancel the membership?”
“Right.” And then, as I was rising out of my seat. “But you have to complete 17 workouts in order to cancel within that 60 days.”
“What?”
“You have to work out 17 times.”
“Why?”
“Well…See…That’s our policy.”
The short answer is that this negro didn’t know. I was still energized by finally pushing myself to get back into shape and I figured 17 times wasn’t a lot. I’d already worked out once that morning. Oh, yeah. That was before I became a member. I specifically recalled going up to the hustler/fitness expert and saying that I wanted to enroll as a member. He gave me a charming, warm smile and said, “Well did you work out yet?”
“No,” I answered.
“Well go ahead! Get your workout on.”
And I did just that. Little did I know he’d already gotten my first of 17 workouts without me even knowing it. Over the next few weeks, Mr. Hustler would prove to be a worthier opponent than I could have imagined. So far the score was Mally Inc: 1 and Me: 0. I was in the hole 17-deep, but I wasn’t trippin’. He’d mentioned a month-to-month membership, which was what I’d had at my former gym. I figured I’d just come in the next time I worked out and make the change then. No worries.
My God, I was naïve. Silly me, I was so focused on “my health” and “getting in shape” that I forgot I was dealing with a corporation, one that thrived on commission in the worst way and they intended to hold me to that contract, no matter what kind of “policy” they had. It was a wild ride, but in the end…well I won’t ruin it for you.
What follows is the outline of my hellish journey to make Mally Inc. stick to their own policy.
THE BAD BEGINNING
Workout 3/Day 4: After about 60 minutes of cardio, I approach the area where the “fitness experts” are gathered. I inform them that I want to convert to a month-to-month membership. At this point, I have no intentions of canceling. One of them fiddles with the computer and then looks at me like he’s not sure which lie will be the most effective. Finally he says, “Well, you signed your contract with Ron (not his real name) and if there are any changes to make, Ron has to make them.”
I respond with genuine confusion. “I didn’t sign with Ron. I signed a contract with Mally Inc. He told me I could change from an annual contract to a month-to-month, so why can’t you or a supervisor make the change? I have all my identification with me.”
Silence. The guy looks around at his co-workers and they mumble differently worded versions of the same point: Only Ron can make changes since he signed me up.
Now I don’t buy this shit for a minute. Ron’s an employee, not a magician. If he died or quit, am I to believe that anyone he signed up would be unable to alter their account? I want to share what I’m thinking, but the peanut gallery isn’t going to change their collective answer. I could go crazy, but I pick my battles these days and I work from home, so I’m not tied down by a schedule. I agree to come back during Ron’s working hours the next day. I don’t seek him out until the following week.
Workout 8/Day 10: I complete my workout (added a little strength training this time) and find Ron. I made sure to come during his work hours. He’s back there with the rest of the sales force disguised as personal trainers and when he sees me, he throws me that smile. I’m hot and sweaty and I have no love for the brother. I start right in.
“I need to change to a month-to-month membership.” I make an annoyed flick of my wrist at the rest of the room. “They told me you had to alter the account since you signed me up.”
Ron types in my info and then stares at the screen for a few seconds. He comes back with, “Well, you have to workout 17 times within 60 days.”
“But I don’t want to cancel. I just want to change my membership to a month-to-month.”
“Uh, yeah. Well, you still have to workout 17 times.”
“Just to change it to a month-to-month? You didn’t tell me that.”
“Yes I did.”
“You said 17 times if I wanted to cancel. I just want to change it.”
“Well, it’s 17 times within 60 days for both.”
I can not overstate how much I hate being lied to or purposely misled – and yes, particularly by men. This is
Los Angeles
. There are too many fitness club options for this bullshit. So Mally Inc. wants to battle? Okay, let’s rumble.
“Well, since it’s 17 for both, I’ll just cancel after I reach my 17. How many workouts have I had so far?”
I said the dreaded word: CANCEL. A hostile and sudden silence fell on the backroom. Old Ron had fucked up and it wouldn’t be easy to fix. Still, he made the attempt.
“Well, why would you want to cancel?”
“I don’t like being jerked around. How many workouts do you guys have for me?”
He glanced at the screen. “Umm…eight. So you need 11 more.” No this fool didn’t act like basic subtraction was beyond me! I turned to leave. “And you have until December 14th to workout 11 more times.”
That was helpful information. “December 14th?” I wanted to make sure I heard him right.
“Yep, December 14th.”
That was nice of him to give me an exact date…or so I thought.
THE MUDDY MIDDLE
I’ll cut to the chase. I didn’t work out everyday. When’s the last time you went to the gym 17 days in a row or even every other day for 34 days in a row? Unless it’s your social life, stuff comes up. Bottom line, I worked out a few more times and then I fell off again. A couple of weeks passed and then I remembered that this was what they were banking on. I don’t know the logic behind the number 17, but I bet it has jackshit to do with fitness or science. They probably did research on how many times the average person works out on a new membership before not showing up for a while. My guess is that the number ranged between 11 and 14 times and they added a few more to make sure lethargy would lock you into that three-year commitment. But I was determined for this not to become my story. I had to develop a thick skin and enter each workout with the dual focus on burning calories and clocking sessions. I thought joining a gym would take the energy of an athlete, but it was taking the heart and skill of a crafty politician.
Like any solider headed into a battle of wills, I had to do some prep work. I got “back in the zone” by working out at a different location. The next day, I called Mally Inc. to get a running tally on exactly where I had left off. Guess who I got on the phone again? That’s right! Good ole Ronny Ron.
“Mally Incomplete Fitness. How can I help you?” Funny. They always sound as if they really give a damn.
“I’m going to cancel my membership and I want to know how many recorded workouts are on my account.”
“Well ma’am is there some problem with the gym?”
“Yeah, the people who work there. I’ve had poor customer service issues since I signed up. My name is __________ and my membership number is ___________. How many times does it say I worked out?”
But of course homeboy wasn’t trying to come up off the info so fast.
“What do you mean by poor customer service?”
I had no time for games. “The person who signed me up gave me the wrong information and I just want the number it says on the screen. Can you give it to me?”
“Well, I’m the one who signed you up and I told you that you needed to work out 17 times-“
“Oh, great you! You also told me that I had until December 14th. I just checked the back of my card and my enrollment date was the October 4th, not the 14th. You made me think I had 10 extra days to get in those 17 workouts.”
“Well, ma’am the policy is 60 days from the date of enrollment.”
“Yeah, I got that. My point is that you gave me the wrong date. If I had just gone off of what you said, I’d be stuck with that contract. And I don’t want to be signed up with a gym, or a phone company or man for that long!” (Yes, that is my exact wording.)
“Oh, so you don’t want a contract? No problem! You want a month-to-month membership! I can do that for you now.”
NO THIS NEGRO DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!
When I’d attempted to convert to a monthly membership, I got this 17-workout policy shoved in my face. The question was, did Ron lie then when he said I had to workout more or was he lying now just to keep me as a Mally Inc. member? Whatever the question, the answer was that I wasn’t down for any of it.
“Ron.”
“Yes?”
“Give me the number of recorded workouts.”
Something in my voice told him to do it. “Ummmm 12 times.”
Liar. I know I’d worked out more times than that. “When was the last time you recorded a workout?”
“It says here a few days ago.” Notice the absence of an actual date.
“But I worked out yesterday.”
“It’s not on the record.”
“Don’t you count workouts at all Mally Inc. locations?”
“Yes, but it’s not here.”
“Well, I can’t help it if they didn’t count it. You’re telling me unless you verify it, then even if I’m beeped through, it doesn’t count?!”
“All I can tell you is that it says 12 times.”
“Okay Ron. Okay.” I hung up.
Over the next week, I went in everyday. I changed my strategy and stuck to the “home” location to avoid any confusion. I made sure that my card was read every time I went in. I once considered just going in a couple of times a day without working out. But I thought about what I’d learned of old Mally Inc. so far. Seemed that they’d have some fine print in my contract that each of the “17” sacred workouts had to be done on a different calendar day, so I just stuck to actual daily workouts. I frequently ran into problems when their computers were down. I had to give my membership number to random “fitness experts” and call back later to make sure they had manually entered my workout. Getting out of this contract was taking more than my sweat during my workouts. It was demanding strategy, timing and the kind of follow-through one would usually reserve for dealing with false charges on a credit card.
Finally, I’d reached Workout 18 with a good seven days to spare. It was near closing time and the computers in front were down once again. I walked into the back office, a sort of second home to me at this point, and spoke to a hustler whose nametag read Antonio (not his real name). I told him my story and said I needed him to enter the workout since the computer wasn’t in the mood to scan membership cards. He was doing so and then turned to me and said, “Well the 17 times doesn’t include workouts that are manually entered.”
I was NOT having it.
“That makes no sense. Your computers are always down! Are you now telling me I have to adjust my workout schedule to when this location is technically sound?”
He looked at me in confusion. I’d lost him somewhere around “adjust”. So I went a simpler route. I smiled and said calmly, “It does count. They all count. What number am I at?”
He shrugged his broad shoulders and decided to give in. He probably figured it was Ron’s ass anyway. “You’re at exactly 17.” I noticed that he’d skipped an entry because it was on the same day as another one. Ah, my strategy had paid off. “You can come in tomorrow morning and cancel.” In other words, his shift was ending and he wanted nothing to do with it. Cool.
THE CONCLUSION
This is where the story should finally end. I went in to quit the next morning, only to be told that I had to call national headquarters as they “couldn’t” do cancellations in the gym. Funny how they could sign me up with no problems and run my debit card right on location. A manager went to hand me the headquarters’ number when a hustler/sales associate took it from her and withheld it from me. I looked up, ready to throw down.
“May I ask why you want to cancel your membership?”
This man was playing with fire and didn’t even know it. “Poor customer service that includes lying and I want to go to a gym closer to my house.”
I reached for the paper and he pulled it back further. I let out a quick snort. This is why civilians shouldn’t carry guns.
“Well, can you tell me how long you’ve been a member of Mally’s Inc? I just –“
“Look dude. You gone give me the damn number or not?”
He handed it over then. I called to cancel and was told that they’d withheld other info about canceling my contract (I won’t get into what). Also, the national office needed to receive my reason(s) for canceling IN WRITING.
“You mean the letter has to physically be there by the end of the 60 days, not postmarked?”
“Yeah,” said the surprisingly helpful Mally Inc. representative. “You live in
L.A.
, so it should be here in a couple of days –plenty of time.”
“But what if it gets lost in the mail or there’s a problem with your reception center?”
“Well…”
“Man, I’m just trying to end this – today. I don’t want to get stuck with this contract after all I’ve been through to cancel it. I’ve really done some work on this!”
Then I heard the four most wonderful works Mally Inc. would ever say to me:
“You can fax it.”
And I did. The fax machine gave me a busy signal three times before it finally went through. By November 30th, the Cancellation Department had started the “process” for removing me from their clutches. There happens to be a rainbow at the end of the Mally Inc. thunderstorm. I joined a gym closer to my house on a month-to-month membership and have lost about 10 pounds since doing so. This is a story with a happy ending. But make no mistake – I fought like hell for it.
