STOP THE FREAKIN’ PRESSES!
Enough is enough dammit. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to retailers moving Christmas earlier and earlier on the calendar. It’s been a tradition for a long time and while I’m as accepting of Day-After-Thanksgiving sales (I refuse to call it “Black Friday”) as anyone else, a line clearly needs to be drawn. Halloween was barely on its way and here was a major chain of stores acting as if Thanksgiving should be treated like a lagger in a game of hopscotch. They wanted me to jump over it and pick it up later. And why? Just so I could spend more money. A recent story on NPR stated that retailers were so concerned about not making enough money during the traditional Thanksgiving-to-Christmas Eve shopping window that they decided to play God – literally. What else is moving up the designated time to “celebrate” the birthday of Christ? I could let this manipulating go if Christmas had no religious significance. After all, marketers don’t always get it “right” for less conventional or newer holidays. For example, even though Kwanzaa is supposed to be celebrated through the gifting of homemade items, many stores have Kwanzaa gift cards. Here’s the sad part – black people will buy them.
Back to this early Christmas issue. Should I write letters? I could, but those are usually ignored unless they can prove the basis for a defect in a toy or food. Perhaps I could march in protest, but the issue would seem ridiculous in comparison to more inflammatory issues (i.e. the rape of Megan Williams, Dafur and the ongoing struggle for justice in
Burma
). Appearing to be a lone fool is never a good look for a young sista. So I abandoned that. Corporations run this country and while I’m all for going against the tide of capitalist enforced change, I don’t think I’ll win on this one. In short, I can’t beat ‘em so I’m going to join ‘em. If we gone do this – move Christmas up – this let’s do it big baby!
Since Christmas is all retailers are really counting down to, let’s not “waste” time giving so much space to other supposed holidays. Sure, they may have historic significance and bring people joy, but they lack the sales return that characterize Christmas. So let’s make some changes!!!
October Halloween/Christmas Kick-Off
This has already been taken care of. I now think that ugly tree was a message: If you don’t start buying Christmas presents now, be scared of how much shopping you’ll be forced to do later. Plus “Trick or Treat” is really just a slang term for comparing the trickery of the serpent to the treat of heaven.
November Thanksgiving
Pilgrims, Native Americans, food – whatever. The traditional story of Thanksgiving is largely untrue anyway. (Read Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen) You can still have the turkey, but after dinner – why not exchange gifts? What’s that, you say? You’ll just do the same thing again for Christmas? So what! God likes seconds as much as anyone else.
December Christmas Day
Well we don’t need to change the holiday the rest of the year will be based on! Keep spending
America
! (Well, at least those who are Christians. This also goes for atheists and agnostics who don’t like to limit receiving gifts to their birthday.)
January New Year’s
We may have to change the calendar, since we should really just start counting 365 days down to the next December 25th. You can still get drunk on January 1st, but give gifts to the host of the party. You like that Target? Cha-ching!
January Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Marty Mart wont’ mind splitting’ the day with his very own Lord and Savior (duh). Keep the parades and give Brother Martin a shout out, but this is the time to exchange “justice themed” gifts. Sounds ridiculous? Not when Macy’s and Walgreen’s has them on sale!
February Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is really about love. Who do you love more than your wife who doesn’t know when to stop nagging or your husband who cheated on you with his best friend (female or male)? I’m thinkin’ Jesus. You too? Great. You can still give flowers and candy, but only give it to people who will give you something in return.
March Presidents Day
This is just a reason to stay off of work for most Americans anyway. You were gonna hit up some sale. Buy what you’d normally buy and just put a bow around it. See how you win right along with the retailers?!
March Daylight Savings Time
We’ve really been wasting this one folks! We keep thinking it’s about getting an extra hour of daylight. And it is – an extra hour of daylight to shop! Besides the term itself is perfect for a sale.
March St. Patrick’s Day
I’m personally not too comfortable with a holiday that demands everyone, but especially white people of Irish ancestry, get as drunk as possible. However, I’m more uncomfortable with the reaction cutting this group off from alcohol would receive. Let’s leave this one be!
March/April Easter
I mean, it’s really His day anyway right? Have the kids hunt for little gifts instead of eggs. That means money for retailers and the added benefit of pleasing vegans.
April April Fools Day
You’re a fool if ya don’t love Jesus. (That’s the Christian take on things anyway.) Plus you can pinch people who don’t give you gifts! Haven’t you always wanted to do that anyway?
April Earth Day
Do I have to say it. __________ created the heavens and the Earth. Give gifts to honor the fact that the rock we’re spinning’ on belongs to the Heavenly Father! See, you honor the Father by doing a tradition associated with the Son. Brilliant.
May Mother’s Day
This one’s for the Catholics in the house (and on the web). There’s your Mom. Then there’s Jesus’ Mom. Betta give props to both! What says “I love you” more than a flashy present you can’t really afford? You may be thinking hugs or a kind word, but that’s not what the retailers say. (Except for Hallmark and they only mean words that are written in the cards they sell.)
May Father’s Day
Please. This one’s even easier than Mother’s Day. You like that Best Buy? Cha-ching!
July Independence Day
There’s independence from the Brits. And then there’s independence from Satan. Who’s gonna get you both? Drumroll, please…JESUS! Give gifts in celebration of your freedom from Lucifer and if you can’t – well, you’ve got some serious life altering decisions to make now don’t you?
August BREAK TIME!!!!!
Are you behind on your car payment or mortgage due to all the spending you’ve done throughout the year? Well, the retailers invite you to take a break while they restock their inventory.
September Labor Day
Who labored to get all your sins forgiven ahead of time? Do I even have to say His name at this point? That’s right. Break out that battered MasterCard or Visa for one more round of gift giving!
September Grandparent's Day
Who’s the grandest parent of them all? Tell Him how much you agree by spending gifts as if it’s His son’s birthday already! Besides, you didn’t even know there was Grandparents Day until just now!
October Back to Halloween/Christmas-Kick-Off
These are just some ideas. Perhaps you’re thinking – I’m not a Christian. That’s fine, but as you’ve probably observed, retailers will go right on marketing to you on the side while chasing the dollars of the money-spending Christian majority.
Maybe you’re thinking that Christmas has nothing to do with trees or garlands or gifts. It’s the designated day to celebrate the life and lessons of Jesus Christ. Okay, fine. And I’ll tell you what I told the non-believers: As you’ve probably observed retailers will go right on marketing to you on the side while chasing the dollars of the money-spending Christian majority.
There’s a chance you’re outraged by Christmas being treated as a gimmick rather than a religious holiday. You can do something about it, but good luck to you. As for me, I’m waiting for my Shared Holiday plan to be enacted, so I’m not caught off guard like I was when I saw that ridiculous tree. It disturbed me on many levels but more than the black, plastic branches and the ghostly ornaments was the final insulting touch: candy corn. There’s NEVER a good season for those nasty, wretched, little things.
NEWSFLASH -- I was compelled to write this article out of frustration and concern. What did it? What pushed me over the edge? Several weeks ago I was shopping for Halloween decorations when I saw it: a Halloween Christmas Tree. Yeah, you read that correctly. It was a traditional faux pine about one foot tall. The branches were made of black plastic and the tree was adorned with ornaments in the shape of ghosts, goblins, pumpkins and candy corn. “What the hell”, I thought. This is just…wrong. Very wrong. I stood there staring at this atrocious marketing concoction in flustered silence for a good five minutes. What exactly was this supposed to be? My stupor was abruptly ended by the sudden sound of chimes. Actually, they were bells – Silver Bells to be precise. Even though it was early October, the retail store’s speaker system and Bing Crosby were claiming that it was indeed “Christmas time in the city”.