Conspiracy Dispatches: 10 Post 9/11 "Methods" to Create Safe, Sedated and Sexy Frequent Flyers
2.18.08


NEWSFLASH -- It’s been nearly five years since the U.S. invasion of Iraq and over six years since America ’s 9/11.  Now the two aren’t linked, but it’s jumbled in most people’s minds and that’s the way people in “power” like it. After traveling on six flights within the last three months, I witnessed patterns emerging and began to see a “larger conspiracy” that has very little to do with terrorists or bombs.  Now this is going to sound crazy (conspiracies always do), but I believe the airlines, in cahoots with other corporations, are methodically eliminating non-threatening “undesirables” from their flights in the interest of eventually reducing air travel to moneyed, physically fit people who will be the docile sheep of airport and in-flight advertisers.  Yeah, that’s right.  What makes their methods so “brilliant” is that they’re seamlessly lumped into post 9/11 security measures combined with the media buzz on how “poor” airlines still are since the tragedy.  What the hell am I talking about?  Take a minute and follow me on this one.

I’ll start by stating that these small patterns seem somewhat innocuous and insignificant when you fly about once every couple of months or if you frequently find yourself on flights that last less than 1.5 hours.  BUT, if you traveled on domestic flights of 2 – 5+ hours in rapid succession, you’d be become suspicious.  Well, shit.  Maybe you wouldn’t.  But I did.  And here’s why.  I’ll take you through my most recent flight experience that put me on two different airlines roundtrip.  What I saw there was indicative of other flights I’ve recently taken and it’s pretty foul.

Ignoring the 2-4 hour pre-flight arrival time that’s trumpeted on the airwaves and official airline websites, I arrive a little over an hour and half before my flight.  It’s super early in the morning.  Past experience has trained me to never check luggage since I usually don’t have 12 hours to wait once my flight lands.  How does this benefit the airlines?  They have more room to transport cargo for profit from companies and whoever else.  (That’s 1).  I used to be able to waltz up to the outside check-in counter.  I could do that now, but it’s suddenly $2 per bag (not including tip). Couple of things here.  For starters, they weren’t charging for bags before and though tips were encouraged, they didn’t put a sign up.  (Signs are deterrents for the non-confrontational.)  So they’ve got me.  I’m thinking that I’m not checking luggage, so it shouldn’t matter.  I go to jump in the line and then remember that the last time I attempted to check in without bags, I was sent to the self check-in counters inside.  These people won’t confirm me for my flight unless I have a bag to check.  WTF?  “So what”, you think.  No big deal.  (Add up $2 - $4 per person in addition to tips.)  My options for check-in have been limited due to money. (That’s 2)

I head inside, having wasted precious minutes contemplating the outside check-in.  This puts me in contact with the next tool used to weed out undesirables – the Self Check-In Counter. Quick, convenient, and effective.  Right?  Depends.  “On what?” you ask.  On how technologically challenged the people are who use them.  This reportedly “speedy” area is where the conspiracy really begins to take shape.  There's a two-pronged strategy that forces the simple-minded AND those who didn't show up several hours before their flight to pay more money.  Sound crazy?  Not really.  If you’re “smart” enough to figure out the basic directions on screen and you don’t have any baggage to check, you swiftly advance to the next round, which is the security queue. But everybody doesn't make it! Lines form behind these machines where people need assistance because they can’t figure out which on-screen buttons to push.  More time is wasted as bags still have to be checked by an agent and even after that, the consumer must usher them over to a separate area, where there is often a line and an overjoyed TSA employee ready to ask them questions that all require the word “No” as an answer. So this just puts someone a few minutes behind right?  What’s the big deal? 

A more recent federal regulation that airlines can impose requires that people “check-in” to their flight no less than 45 minutes before it’s scheduled departure.  The logic, if you want to call it that, is that terrorists would avoid the expert scrutiny of airport security by showing up at the last minute and breezing through checkpoints.  Uh-huh.  But what this translates into for someone who didn’t show up several hours before his or her flight (and they won’t check you in more than 2-4 hours before departure) is serious crunch time.  Ms. Idiot Ilene Mr. Born Yesterday slow down the line and if it takes too long, they won’t check you in because it’s a federal rule that they have the order/option to enforce.  People have actually experienced this.  What will the airline do in this case?  Oh, you’ve guessed it.  They’ll book you on another flight.  For a $100 - $150 mandatory fee.  So they get to check you in two ways.  People who show up within a reasonable amount of time with no bags still risk missing their flight and morons who slow themselves down pay extra money for the flight they were bound to miss. (That’s 3 and 4)

So I make it into the security queue with no minutes to spare.  It’s slow as shit and has been for a while, so I won’t harp on that.  This is where I believe the airline inserts their “plants.”  They’ve worked to weed out the cheapos at the outside check-in counter and have whittled away some of the simpletons with the self check-in option.  The line of inertia that leads to on-flight baggage security is where they attempt to get rid of those with poor anger management.  That’s where I come in.  Everyone knows that you can’t create any kind of a “disturbance” in the airport if you want to get on your flight without getting questioned and presumably strip-searched. Loud, heated arguments and social confrontations in the airport are virtually non-existent since September 11^th.  I’m not counting those that involve people who’ve hit the bar.  Getting “unruly” in the line that leads to the hub of airport security is a bad idea, so you’ve got to keep your cool.  I remind myself of this. 

As the line moves one tenth of an inch every other minute, I see a few reoccurring characters designed to make me speak out of turn and risk being booked on a later flight.  First comes the Human Bagpack.  This is the person who stands so close behind you that you can smell what they had for breakfast.  You move an inch; they move an inch and a half. Snide, mean looks and a raised eyebrow don’t get this fool to back off.  “A little space, would ya?” is all I’m willing to risk these days.  But if I were an angrier person, I’d check them and then find myself whisked away to a “special nook” in airport security.  Another favorite is the Endless Interviewer.  This is the person in front or behind you who keeps asking you inane questions.  What makes it worse is that they always have an accent or if they don’t, a tendency to mumble.  This forces you to request that they repeat themselves and draws out the forced exchange.  Looking annoyed or even pissed means nothing to this mole.  He/she/they lean on you, hard, and drive you to the point of just asking them to stop talking to you.  But you better not.  Stop talking to you?  How hostile!  Hostile like a terrorist!  Now you are a person of suspicion and these talkers are the quintessential dime-droppers.  They’ll tell on your ass and have it seated by security before you can reach your gate.  (That’s 5)

[I will not get into the 3 oz liquid rule that applies to the size of the container rather than the amount of liquid in it.  That deserves it’s own article.  Everyone from airport stores, to the manufacturers of your favorite confiscated items, to airport employees make money off of this one.] (That’s 6)

The final test comes from the feeble minded who were functional enough to get through self check-in, but who have no brain energy left for following the litany of security procedures.  You’ve seen them.  They try to walk through the metal detector with a jacket on or one shoe.  Laptops aren’t taken out of their bags and they didn’t get the memo or see the sign banning Swiss army knives.  These plants come in all forms.  Some are old men who refuse to remove their suspenders.  Others are seemingly forgetful women who don’t hold on to their I.D. or boarding pass.  They have to go back and forth over the metal detector and lunge into the black box that has their bags to get something out or put something back.  It’s all a person with anger management issues or common sense can do to refrain from yelling, “What cave have you been dwelling in for the last six years?  Put your damn shoes in a freakin’ bin and if you don’t have the boarding pass in your hand, I’ma shove it-“.  And expressions like this cast a spotlight on you rather than the person who doesn’t understand why they can’t have four carry-on items.  Suddenly you’re being cautioned to quiet down as you’re ushered out of the line.  Now once they figure out what they already know, (that you aren’t evil, just driven insane by fellow “passengers”) they’ll let you go.  Oh, you missed your flight?  Damn.  Better get out that $100-$150! (That’s 7)

I’ll say here that it started with jackets, hats and shoes.  You know what I’m talking about – the stripping down of clothing.  Are we being protected?  Not if you go by how many tests airport security fail.  Let’s say this serves a purpose besides slowing down the line.  What comes next?  Pretty soon someone will sneak something in his or her jeans and then it’s off with the denim!  Cotton will be next on the list followed by socks, which can conceal more money for them to take from your pockets.  In a few years people will be advised to pack shirts and pants in their carry-on bags to put on right before the flight.  They want us naked.  This is where the physically fit have an advantage. Those of us who are fat, out of shape or have questionable tattoos or any physical deformities will be less likely to travel.  This will also be the case for no and low-income people who can’t afford presentable underwear.  Eventually, it’ll just be clean-cut people with nice bodies in silk lingerie and boxers.  Some might point to people who simply aren’t ashamed of their bodies.  The perpetual interviewer will weed them out by enraging them,  “Hey buddy what’s up with that lump?  I’d say it’s a tumor but looks more like hickie!”  Comments like that would make me give them one to the Adam’s apple my damn self.  (That’s 8)

Finally you head toward your gate.  You’re almost there – or maybe not if you’re in the Atlanta or Chicago airport.  Those who have learned their lessons have been buying drinks, magazines, food and other disposable items to pass the mind numbing hours leading up the (most likely delayed) flight. (That’s 9)  For those who just make it to the gate in time to get dressed again and board, you’re starving and frustrated.  Maybe they only offer a couple of swigs of soda and peanuts, but you’ll take it.  The flight’s underway and you see that cart coming.  If you’re on Delta, you’ll smell hot fresh food headed your way on a flight of over 3 hours.  But that’s for PAYING passengers only.  The cart with the free cookies, crackers and peanuts comes second.  It’s only $5 - $7 for a small meal!  You almost convince yourself it’s worth it. They have candy, but that’s gonna cost you a minimum of $2.  If you’re on United, you get a free non-alcoholic beverage on a 4+ hour flight.  ANY food will cost you $5.  As of last week, they had four different “snack packs”.  They should call them shit packs.  Only 50% of the food is edible and the rest is filler to make it appear that you haven’t been conned.  I briefly wondered what it would take to get free food.  Would I have to feign a diabetic attack? No, they’d ground the flight.  I could say I need something in my stomach for medicated pills, but that’d only get me an extra beverage.  Damn!  I’m being hustled from outside the airport to inside the damn plane.  “What is this?” I wonder.  “The future”, my inner voice responds.  I’m unnerved to realize that the airport is like a strip club in that it’s best to bring plenty of singles and a two-drink minimum is to your advantage. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, is 10)

I don’t doubt that several measures I mentioned were originally intended for security, but it’s gotten passed that.  What will eventually emerge is a dream for airlines, flight attendants and corporations.  Attractive, well-dressed/well-underweared, moneyed people who are patient will be the airline passenger of the future.  They’ll start paying as soon as they pull up to the white curb and won’t stop until the plane lands (if then).  This new breed of traveler won’t make a fuss over anything and will cough up money for items and amenities that were free for decades.  Eventually they won’t remember a time of free in-flight meals, complimentary baggage checks or not seeing commercials when they go to the movies.  Conformity will be the name of the game and they’ll be a happy to oblige.  After all, they look good in their draws, have money in their pockets and places to travel. Life is good for these folks so why wouldn’t they fork over a few extra bones in the airport?  Some of us will force ourselves into the gym to avoid embarrassment rather than improve health and will stop by Victoria ’s Secret for airport security personnel rather than our husbands or boyfriends.  And the rest will say to hell with it and use Amtrak, rent a car or stop talking to distant friends and relatives who get on their nerves anyway.  America will shrink for some and expand for others.  Do I think the government has anything to do with this?  Well, if I DID, I’d have to believe that it cares more about the interests of corporations and their profits than the average tax-paying citizen. 

Hmmmm…

I think you know my answer.