The Rundown on Little Papa Cain

Legal Name:  John Sidney McCain III

Onyx Name: John “Deceptacon” McCain

Most Recently:  U.S. Senator ( Arizona ): 1987 - Present 

Party Affiliation:  Republican

Unofficial Sect:  Far-Right Disguised as Moderate Due to Nuttier Republicans

No Other Candidate Is:  a War Veteran ( Vietnam ) and Former P.O.W.

His Current Tagline:

Ready from Day One/Best Prepared to Lead from Day One

Onyx’s Tagline for McCain:

War!  I’ll Tell You What It’s Good For!

Onyx’s Alternative Tagline for McCain:

Dammit, It’s MY Turn To Be Ring Master!

Why He’s a Major Contender:  McCain is damn near a staple on the Presidential Candidate list and he keeps tossing his wicker barbershop quintet hat into the ring.  Despite continued economic “woes,” McCain is a familiar face with a long military and government track record.  Although a life-long Republican, McCain’s occasional (and brief) breaks from the party’s standard rhetoric on a couple of issues makes him appear to be his own political man.  He comes off as somewhat “middle-of-the-road” when compared to a Southern Baptist minister, a Mormon millionaire, a Senator-turned thespian, and a polarizing movie-star mayor. 

Personal Image McCain is Attempting to Project:  He is a man who willingly gives his all for his country.  His experience as a P.O.W. during Vietnam was just the beginning.  While he has accomplished enough to retire, he loves America too much to see it ruled by a lesser candidate.  His campaign is one of compassion for this country’s realized and potential greatness.

What We See:  It’s rather simple.  McCain is a survivor with extremely naked ambition.  If it were up to him, he’d be wrapping up his second term as Commander-in-Chief.  He is a stubborn man and while we don’t doubt that he loves his idealized version of America, we get the feeling that he wouldn’t bother running if he didn’t think this latest mixed bag of Republican candidates made him look so…well…normal and sound.

Political Image He’s Attempting to Project: He is the only Republican, and therefore the only candidate of any party, equipped to run the country that is in an admitted state of turmoil and danger.  He is a true political delicacy – a politician with ethics - and his lack of campaign money is a sign that he is true to the people rather than others on capital hill.

What We See: McCain is very much a professional politician and does a rather excellent job at spinning his right-wing agenda as “morally moderate” when it is anything but.  Like Hillary Clinton, he can reach across the party line when he needs to and even though he’s done so on campaign finance reform and pork barrel spending, he’s very similar to his fellow party candidates.  The main difference being that he has less money, probably because of his desire to swing slightly to the left on that very issue.

We can easily categorize his list of central issues as well:

I. Same Old Republican Viewpoint Presented with a Slight Twist

• 2^nd Amendment (Give ‘em all guns, but have background checks at gun shows.)
  
  
• National Security (Focused on Islamic Extremists, but there’s a section about “Smarter Defense Spending”.)
  
  
• Abortion (Let the states decide, AFTER Roe v. Wade is abolished to “restore constitutional balance.”  While he does have a section on increasing adoption, there are no before-the-fact solutions.  He wants to fund faith-based services for pregnant women, but there’s no mention of effective prevention programs.)
  
  
• Iraq (He has a more extensive plan than others, but it doesn’t involve leaving any time during his potential presidential reign.)
  
  
• Veterans (OBVIOUSLY, his plans to improve their treatment here and abroad are more detailed than any other Republican’s.  Where will the dinero come from though?)
  
  
• Border Security (He’s kind of a mess on this one.  Somehow he’s managed to make this section very pro-corporate business.)
  
  
• Government Spending (Guess what!  He’s going to balance the budget!  He does have a little something on more transparency.  Get ready to see Social Security cease to live up to either part of its name.)
  
  
• Tax Cuts (His Economic Stimulus Plan is all about helping businesses and he’s as tax cut happy as the rest of them – except Huckabee.)
  
  
• Environment (SHORTEST section and as with others in his party, vague and general wording.)
  
  
• Healthcare (Privatize!  Privatize!  Privatize!  Why NOT let churches provide health insurance?  He does advocate for easier access to generic drugs.)

II. Just A Wee Bit Different

• Marriage (Let the states decide, but he doesn’t personally advocate for gay marriage.)
  
  
• Lobbying and Ethics (He’s actually done some work on this area, but the chances of making headway, even as President, are slim.)
  
  
• Human Dignity (As far as we can tell, it’s just another ill-placed paragraph on his life that’s tossed in after preventing internet child porn.)
  
  
• Ending Poverty (SYKE!  You didn’t he’d have that listed as an actual issue, did you?)

Onyx’s “Issues” with McCain’s “Issues”: As far as we can tell, McCain is a Republican’s Republican and while he may acknowledge the merits of a dissenting viewpoint, he doesn’t deviate from the party line agenda.  He doesn’t seem as rabid as Huckabee or as brash as Romney or Giuliani, but his issues are virtually the same as theirs and his presidency would heavily benefit the same people.

Who Will Benefit Most from His Presidential Reign:  Corporations and the Military.  We sneer at the idea of the first group needing any more privileges from the government or the law.  As for the military, there’s little point in building it back up and improving its fighting strategies, if they’re just going to be stretched even thinner for another pre-emptive war.  Remember, Afghanistan (which has a new troop infusion) was about 9/11 – NOT Iraq .  Like the rest of his party candidates, he lumps them together.

The Best Thing We Can Say About McCain:  In his little campaign bus, he is literally rollin’ for the presidency until the wheels fall off.  Also, he’s not Huckabee.

The Most Truthful Thing We Can Say About McCain:  Though he appears to literally be shrinking with each public appearance, McCain will not let a lack of money or rock star support sway him from the campaign trail.  But his persistence is known to fold on key issues.  He’s been outspoken against torture (for personal and official reasons).  Yet he relented on the Bush interrogation bill.  We are also deeply disturbed on a common sense level by his denial of how disastrous and wrong the decision to go into Iraq was and will be for generations.

His “Democratic” Features: 

Campaign finance reform and re-examination (he calls it elimination) of pork barrel spending.  McCain is big on the Peace Corps, even if it’s looked at as serving America rather than the rest of the world.  He’s also an adoptive parent and paid dearly for it during his prior presidential race.

His “Republican” Features:  EVERYTHING ELSE.

Most Dangerous Element:  He’s a hawk’s hawk and believes that war with certain Middle Eastern countries is about the devil being in the details rather than the concept of unnecessary war itself.

Top 5 Reasons That Some Blacks Will Vote for McCain:

5. 5) Empathy for the poor man on the campaign trail (relatively speaking).
   
   4) They think he’s the only sane person on the Republican ticket.
   
   3) They believe the rumor that his adopted son is black.
   
   2) They keep seeing his name on the ballot and opted check it this time, “just for kicks.”
   
   1) They think he’s Democratic enough to tolerate and Republican enough for the red states to vote for him.

Why Onyx Cranium Thinks Blacks Should Vote for McCain:  Of all major Republican candidates he surprises us the least, but he still unnerves enough to not have any reasons listed in this section.

Want to Know More About John McCain?  Go to your local bus stop.  He may pass by.